Faith
by monalisasmadhatters
Summary: "I just want her to have something to hold on to when she won't have me to."


_A completely random one-shot that came to me as I was tearing into Easter candy. Read, review, and have a Happy Easter!_

* * *

"But where does the Easter bunny go when he isn't dropping off baskets and eggs?"

"Down the rabbit hole of course," Santana answered her daughter as she straightened the yellow polka dotted sundress that hung on her small shoulders.

"Oh…so he lives with Alice?"

"Hm, I don't know, he very well could," Santana shrugged, her daughter furrowing her tiny brow as she thought this over.

"Well, if he lives with Alice, does Santa live there too? With the elves? And the tooth fairy?"

"No silly girl, he lives up in the north pole."

"Why mami?"

"Because it's really, really cold there, and Jack Frost will melt unless he's always in snow." The answer seemed to satisfy the five year old for the moment as Santana walked into the bathroom to check her make up, running a nail over her brow and sighing as she fluffed the ends of her curls once more. It was Easter morning and Santana had already been up for hours getting Ella's Easter bunny presents set up and finishing off the carrots they'd left out, the Lopez-Fabray house having always gone big for even the smallest of holidays. Well, it wasn't small to Quinn at least, Santana smiling to herself as she recalled her wife's explanation for all the fuss.

_"It's the day Jesus came back to life San," she had said as she stuffed fake grass into the small plastic basket. "I mean no big deal or anything."_

_"Now remind me, is this the same Jesus who condemns us for loving each other or is that a different one?" Santana had shot back as she filled plastic eggs with candy, able to feel Quinn's eyes glaring at her and keeping her own on the M&M's in her hands as she shrugged. "I'm just saying that I don't want to force our daughter into believing in something that may or may not be real, something that I may or may not even believe in myself."_

_"You know how much I hate it when you do that."_

_"Do what?"_

_"Make fun of my faith," Quinn answered, Santana looking up and scoffing as she shook her head. "And guilt me for celebrating Christmas, and Easter."_

_"I'm not making fun of your faith babe, I'm just saying," Santana explained. "And I'm not saying we shouldn't celebrate Christmas or Easter, you know how much I love presents."_

_"That isn't all this is about, San."_

_"It is to Ella."_

_"For now, but when she gets older she'll understand it more and find out why we celebrate these days."_

_"That sounds fine and dandy Q, I'm just saying I don't know how comfortable I am shoving all these beliefs down her throat when your God won't even let us love each other."_

_"That's not fair, you know how I look at it, at my beliefs and us," Quinn interrupted as she finished arranging Ella's basket and began stuffing it with candy. "That God doesn't judge people for who they love, that he accepts us all. The God I believe in-"_

_"I know the God you believe in Quinn," Santana said flatly as she met the blonde's eyes. "He's the same one who made my abuela abandon me, so whatever you've got going on with him is fine, but don't force it down my throat." Quinn paused for a moment as she chewed on her lip, trying to think of what to say as she rounded their kitchen table._

_"Do you think that if God hated us we would even be together? That if he truly wanted us to burn and suffer he wouldn't have just kept us apart? Be a lot easier then tracking us for all our lives only to send us to Hell, don'tcha think?"_

_"Quinn-"_

_"Look at all we have San, our home, our family, Ella, each other. You think that this is just per chance? A coincidence?" Santana didn't answer as Quinn rubbed her thumbs over the tan cheeks and pulled them down, her own forehead resting against Santana's as she smiled. "There isn't a doubt in my mind that this wasn't meant to be, and if I hadn't kept believing in the good I would have settled for the bad. I know you don't get it, but it's important to me for Ella to have that, to have something good to believe in. Whether it's right or wrong, I just want her to have something to hold on to when she won't have me to." Santana didn't have anything to respond with as she bit her tongue, knowing there was no way she could compete with that as pressed her lips against Quinn's hairline._

_"You know how much I hate it when you do that," Santana mimicked as she did her best Quinn impression, her wife pulling back and laughing as she crossed her arms._

_"Do what?"_

_"Go all sentimental on my ass. I don't have a defense for that."_

_"Well that's why I do it," Quinn smiled, Santana placing her lips against the blonde's as she snickered._

_"Fine, but when she gets old enough I want Ella to decide what she wants to believe in. God, Buddha, hell even the Easter bunny for all I care."_

_"Fair enough," Quinn nodded, chunking a chocolate bunny at Santana and scrunching her nose as she swayed._

_"Happy Easter sweetie."_

"Mami? Mami. Mami!" Santana blinked as she looked down, Ella now swinging from the bottom of her dress as she sung.

"What now Miss Ella Belle? Wanna know if Cinderella lives with Alice too?"

"Ugh, no, mami that's silly," Ella dismissed as she waved her small hand. "She lives in Ever After with the prince, duh."

"Then what?"

"Are we leaving?"

"What? Oh crap," Santana groaned as she noticed the time, picking up Ella and throwing her on her hip as she scrambled.

"Mami said crap, mami said crap…"

"No she didn't, no she didn't!" Santana dismissed, grabbing their things and running out the door as she hustled for the car.

"Mami, are we gonna see mama today?" Ella asked curiously as Santana buckled her into her seat, her stomach knotting a bit as she pinched her finger in confusion. "I mean I'll be able to wish her Happy Easter, right?"

"Yeah baby doll, of course," Santana nodded, trying to see through the hazy clouds forming in her eyes as she kissed her daughter's cheek before shutting the car door. She made her way around to the drivers side and breathed in deeply, not having prepared herself for the day as she failed to ease herself.

_"Do you think that if God hated us we would even be together? That if he truly wanted us to burn and suffer he wouldn't have just kept us apart,"_ she could hear replaying over again in her mind, trying to shake the repeating reel from her mind as she climbed in.

They drove in silence for most of the way, Ella chewing on Skittles she'd gotten in her basket as she sung along to the radio. Santana on the other hand couldn't get Quinn's words out of her head, the sight of the church ahead making her chest tighten.

_"There isn't a doubt in my mind that this wasn't meant to be…"_

Santana rammed her knuckle in the corner of her eyes as she tried to straighten herself up, not wanting Quinn or Ella or anyone for the matter to see her falling apart. She slid the little girl out of her seat and held her hand as they began to walk towards the church, Ella stopping momentarily to pick a few dandelions as she sung.

"Mama will like these, she'll think they're pretty," she smiled as she waved the flowers around, Santana nodding her approval as they kept on walking. After a few more paces Santana felt Ella let go of her hand as she broke out into a run, the brunette staying back a few feet as she heard Ella speak.

"Hey mama, Happy Easter! I brought you these, you're welcome!" Santana tried her best to keep her composure as she walked over to join Ella, a strange gasping sound escaping her throat as she finally stood beside her daughter. She was embarrassed for how she was behaving but could no longer care as she knelt down, her hands resting on top of the cold marble as they shook.

"Hey babe," she managed to choke out, moving her hands down and letting her fingers slide in between the letters of Quinn's name as she smiled weakly. "I've missed you." She could feel Ella stirring beside her as she tried to think of something to say, the feel of a tiny hand pressing against her shoulder causing her to look away as she sniffled.

"I'm gonna go pick more flowers, ok?" Ella whispered as she pressed her lips against Santana's ear, the brunette only able to nod as the little girl skipped away.

"You know, you could have at least given her my personality or something," Santana finally spoke up as she laughed, wiping her hands along her cheeks as she shook her head. "Every inch of her is you. Even the way she sleeps on her side is you. Her eyes, her curls, her toes…even the need she has to show up at church precisely on time or else the day is ruined. Now that I could live without. I guess I'm glad I don't have to though, it's kind of like having a part of you still around." Santana pauses as she turns her head to make sure of where the little girl has wandered off to, a flash of blonde curls running around an old elm tree letting her know everything is ok.

"It get's hard, coming here every week, especially without you. But I know what it means-what it meant to you. I'd never do anything to mess that up…Ella won't let me, don't worry." She looks back at the gravestone and lets her eyes scan over the name that's engraved, a pain shooting throughout her and making her wonder if she can actually feel her heart break.

"I think I'm finally starting to understand it now though, what you meant. Don't get me wrong I'm not all the way there yet but it-it makes it easier. Believing that you're safe and sound, it makes it easier for me." She rests her fingers over Quinn's birthday and feels her breath hitch, her mouth trembling and words fumbling together as she moves her lips.

"I guess I just wanted to thank you, for giving me something to hold on to, even thought I don't have you. You knew what you were doing all along, I know that, and without that I…I don't know." Ella's voice grows louder and Santana knows her time is slowly coming to a close, letting out one last sob before leaning in and pressing her lips against the headstone.

"Happy Easter sweetie. I love you." Santana pushed off the ground and brushed off her knees as Ella stood at her side, bending down to place the newly picked flowers on the ground before smiling.

"Are you ready?" Ella asked as she looked up, shielding the sunlight with her hand as her face scrunched. "Our Easter egg hunt starts soon and I don't want to be late."

"Of course," Santana snorted as she placed her hand around her little girl's, swearing for a second the fingers that clasped around hers were Quinn's.

"I love you mama, we'll see you soon," Ella sung out as she blew a kiss with her free hand, waving it around for a last goodbye as they turned to leave.

"Bye Quinn, I'll see you," Santana whispered as her voice trailed off with the wind, knowing that somewhere out there Quinn has heard her.

_"I just want her to have something to hold on to when she won't have me to."_


End file.
